Dear Diary,

Yeah, this was a good year.

ANZEIGE

When I think about where I started — I was a stray flashing my tum for gravy on the mean streets of Mill Valley — I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

Ich fühle mich so glücklich. A lot of cats don’t have it this good. I have a roof over my head, a mediocre pet assistant, a cupboard stocked with gravy, and millions of adoring fans.

What more could a tabby ask for?

ANZEIGE

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Professionally, I even accomplished most of my goals. I added more stamps to my passport, expanded my global empire and worked on hundreds of wonderful kitty modeling campaigns.

Here are some of the more memorable ones that come to mind…

Wer ist die Katze? Vor ungefähr sechs Jahren bin ich mit einem stray, flea-gebissenen Tabbykatze mit einem schlechten Fall von Würmern befreundet. I could see he’d fallen on hard times, but his profound knowledge of high fashion and department store cosmetics led me to believe that he was more than meets the eye. Wir wurden schnell Freunde, und jetzt ist er eigentlich mein Chef (und ein erfolgreiches Kitty-Modell).

New York

I vividly remember this campaign for NARS. It was RyGos and I working together in new York City. We partied hard. We also did a lot of walking that trip, first all over downtown, and then to chase ducks in central Park.

I had a blast and really enjoyed working with RyGos. His tum is almost as extraordinary as mine.

Paris

I spent a lot of time in Paris this year. I’m still bummed about not winning the Oscar for my work on Les chat Misérables, but c’est la vie.

I also had a Chanel job in the springtime with Snowflake, which was très magnifique! hunting mice along the Seine after sunset, mewling for cheese — it was so romantic.

If I weren’t at the pinnacle of my kitty modeling career right now, I could see myself settling down with Snowflake. She’s just so…exciting, and boy can she model!

But I don’t have any room in my life for a relationship right now. It wouldn’t be fair to Snowflake…

Neuseeland

Uh…New Zealand with Peter Jackson?

JA BITTE!

That was another amazing trip. I gotta hand it to my assistant for arranging time with Peter Jackson between the two Hobbit movies. You know you’re in good hands when he’s behind the camera.

What a gorgeous country, too. I hear it’s how California probably looked a few hundred years ago — thick forests, tall, snow-capped mountains…and lots of sheep!

Marokko

Marokko…

Not my favorite trip this year, but that’s what I get for working with a newbie photographer. You’d think I’d know better by now.

The guy had absolutely no idea what he was doing, but at least I got to work with Steve again. best Bengal tiger in the kitty modeling business, paws down.

South Carolina

Hilton Head, South Carolina… You know, I surprised myself last summer on that job for CoverCat. I’d never waterskied before, but I think I did alright.

I’ve always had pretty good balance, even though my assistant laughs at me every time I slip on the kitchen tiles… I really should talk to her about that. Es ist unhöflich.

Miami

Miami for BECCA was fun, of course, but that’s mostly because I got some much-needed beach time.

Venice Beach, California

Speaking of beaches, Venice beach was cooler than I thought. I expected a lot more dogs…

I met so many musically talented cats down there. It reminded me of my days battling strays on street corners in Mill Valley for treats. I always had a good-sounding meow…

Tuscany

And then there was Tuscany. Really, how can you go wrong?

What was that Ragdoll kitty’s name again…? Patches, Peaches? She was the kitty model I worked with… I can’t remember her name, but she did a good job. I mean, she was nervous, but who wouldn’t be working with a powerhouse kitty modeling superstar like me?

Las Vegas

VEGAS!

You know what they say — what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. ‘Nuff said.

And meow…

Seriously, this was also a milestone year for me. Not only did I turn in some of my all-time best kitty modeling work, but I also penned my very first short story, a 5,000-word tail loosely based on actual events.

I’m reproducing it here in its entirety. hope you enjoy it, and I’ll see you soon in 2014.

Much love, always,

Tabs

A relaxing TIME

by Tabs the Cat

Tabs could not believe how loud the generator was. The sound reverberated off the walls of his tiny shelter, and probably also off the frigid floor, which except for the one hole cut in the middle of the room, was a 12-inch-thick slab of solid ice.

When his friend, Felix, told Tabs about this place, told him about how ice fishing up here in the northern Territories was the most relaxing thing he’d ever done, Felix neglected to mention the generator.

Figures…

Tabs shivered, despite his heavy wool coat, thick fur and thermal kitty underwear, and watched his breath puff in the frosty air.

The one electric bulb hanging from the ceiling briefly dimmed as the generator momentarily sputtered.

Wouldn’t that be perfect, Tabs thought, if the generator conked out and stranded him out here on a frozen lake?

The generator resumed its steady, rhythmic roar, which sounded to Tabs like the loudest lawn mower he’d ever heard.

He wondered what he would do if it stalled. The darkness wouldn’t be a problem for him because he was able to see in the dark, but the cold… how cold would it get in the little shack without the heater? probably very cold…

He had no transportation, either, thanks to Felix, who talked Tabs into hiring a local bush pilot to make the trip here. until the pilot returned on the day after Christmas, Tabs was on his own.

With a jolt, he suddenly remembered having his iphone and pulled it from a pocket inside his coat, thinking that if something happened to the generator, he could call his assistant for help.

He slid his paw across the phone’s screen, and the device sprung to life, displaying more than a dozen illuminated app icons. Instinctively, his eyes went to the upper lefthand corner.

“Miau!” he cursed. No bars. He wouldn’t be able to make a call.

He held up the phone and waved it around in the air, looking for a signal. nothing until, wait! — he saw one bar for a second. maybe he could get a stronger signal over there, he thought, looking at the one tiny window in the room.

He hopped down from the chair, a sturdy, old thing made of heavy wood, set the iphone down on the ice, and wrapped the end of his fishing line around a leg of the chair five times.

That should hold it, he thought, and then the generator stopped.

When he looked to face it, the bottom of his coat brushed the iPhone, which slid directly into the hole in the ice.

Plop, was the sound it made when it splashed into the water.

Uh, oh, Tabs thought, as the now quiet room went dark…

A relaxing TIME: chapter 2

Tabs sat motionless in the shed, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness as the ringing in his ears from the once noisy generator subsided.

Soon, thanks to the sparse moonlight coming in through the one tiny window in the room, he could clearly make out shapes — the chair, his Louis Vuitton luggage and Chanel overnight bag, the generator, electric heater, the hole in the ice and the small wooden workman’s desk — and then details, like the lovely Chanel double C logo, the elegant Louis Vuitton pattern and a familiar-looking tool on top of the desk…

Can opener, he thought. That’s what his assistant called them. He never figured out how to make it work, but he knew that it could produce gravy. His assistant did it all the time.

Knowing it was here, he felt a tinge of relief. maybe he could figure out how to use it if he had to. If his assistant could use it, it couldn’t be that hard.

Carefully, he walked over to the edge of the hole in the ice and peered down. Water gently lapped against the sides, but its depths were impenetrable, even to his efficient kitty eyes.

“Miau!” er hat angerufen. Siri! then he made his way around to the other side of the hole and tried again, louder this time. “Miau!!” Siri!!

No answer… Was she ignoring him, or somehow unable to reply?

“Mrf!” he huffed. probably the former. These days, it’s just so hard to find good help.

It occurred to Tabs that he wouldn’t be in this situation had his assistant back at the office done her job. She was in charge of travel arrangements, after all, so this was entirely her fault.

“Mmrrrwww…” he grumbled. He was going to give her an earful when he got —

Tabs whipped around and focussed his senses intensely on the door. He heard something outside, something shuffling on the ice. His ears rotated on his head like tiny radar dishes trying to triangulate the source of the sound.

Dort! He heard it again. Something skilled in the art of espionage. Es war knapp. right behind the door, and it was big. Tabs could tell. much bigger than a cat.

Then, the smell. Instinctively, Tabs arched his back to appear larger, triggered his claws and hissed loudly at the door.

Hund!

A relaxing TIME: chapter 3

Tabs hissed and growled at the thing on the other side of the door, throwing decorum out the window. Sure, it was rude and not very neighborly of him, but he and dogs had never gotten along very well. He thought they were always so…pushy, and clumsy.

That was the thing about dogs, he thought. They had no respect for personal space.

Tabs could hear it sniffing loudly outside, conducting reconnaisance. Tabs knew about their keen sense of smell, and knew that this one probably already knew that Tabs was alone in the shed, terrified, a little on the plump side and wearing Coco Mademoiselle.

“Meeeeooowww,” he groaned, using his office voice. wer zur Hölle ist das? “Mrow!” Go away, or I’m calling the police!

No answer, and the sniffing sound stopped. seconds passed, and Tabs wondered if his threat had worked to scare away the dog.

He got to thinking that he shouLD sucht einen Fluchtweg, falls der Hund einen Schlüssel zur Tür hatte. Es schien unwahrscheinlich, aber Tabs war sich nicht sicher. Der Hund war schließlich wahrscheinlich ein lokaler, und wusste wahrscheinlich diesen Bereich. Vielleicht hatte es sogar gesehen, dass Registerkarten ankommen.

Die Gedanken erschreckten Registerkarten, und sein kleines Herz begann zu schlagen. Verzweifelt sah er wieder um den Raum, seine ängstlichen Augen nahmen kaum die Zeit, sich zu konzentrieren.

Es gab das einsame Fenster, das geschlossen war, und ziemlich klein, und mindestens fünf Fuß vom gefrorenen Boden. Die Wände waren vertikale hölzerne Lamellen, das Deckenblech, und der Boden war eine massive Eisplatte, mit Ausnahme des kleinen Fischlochs in der Mitte.

Er sah das Loch für einen Moment an, hörte auf das Seewasser, das in ihm einhörte, dann zum nun stillen Generator und schnell kühlende elektrische Heizer, seine beiden Taschen neben dem schweren Holzstuhl durch das Loch im Eis, einem hohen Stapel aus Holz Kisten, die er vermutet, war leer, und dann an der Werkbank an einem der Wände auf.

Gar nichts. Keine Wege in oder raus, mit Ausnahme der Tür.

Er trainierte wieder seine Nachtsicht an der Tür und fokussierte seine Ohren wie parabolische Radargerichte, scannen sich nach dem geringsten Geräusch …

Und dann explodierte die Welt. Es gab einen schrecklichen Absturz gegen die Tür, gepaart mit unaufhörlichem, donnernden Bellen. Das Geräusch verursachte Laschen, um drei Fuß in die Luft zu springen, und er landete unbeholfen.

Der Absturz setzte immer wieder fort, und die Tür schauderte. Der gesamte Hütte schüttelte heftig und das Metalldach klingelte und knickte. Tabs, die auf dem Eis kauern, schrumpfen gegen den Boden, als seine wilden, breiten Augen nach und her.

Die Registerkarten hatten noch nie so bellen wie das. Es war flüssige, viszerale Wut. Nein, das war kein Hund, Registerkarten realisierte. Dies war ein Monster.

Wenn die Kreatur wieder die Tür schlug, schwang die Tür offen.

Alles lief völlig stumm wie die Zeit stoppte. Was Tabs sah, sahen vor ihm in der Tür, war – in diesem Moment erkannte er es und erinnerte sich, als er als er als Extra auf HBOs echtem Blut arbeitete. Das Monster war ein Werwolf und in der Regel sprang er.

Instinktiv rollten Tabs nach links und rutschten auf dem Eis, als die Kräuter der Kreatur von seinem Kopf gerissen wurden. Im Moment trug das große Tier nach vorne, und es kügte sich in die Holzkisten an und konnte nicht auf dem Eis aufhören.

Die Kisten stürzten nieder, zerschmettern, und schienen die Kreatur unter ihnen zu begraben, aber Tabs zögerten nicht. Sobald er seine Basis wiedererlangte, rannte er auf die offene Tür, schnappte sich auf dem Weg seine Chanel-Übernachtung auf und zerknitterte auf den dunklen, gefrorenen See.

Eine entspannende Zeit: Kapitel 4

Einmal durch die Tür des Eishorns wurde die Tabs von der Weite des Nachthimmels und dem gefrorenen See getroffen. Er läufte auf dem Eis, seine kleinen Beine rauten wie Propellerklingen, seine Krallen, die zum Kauf kratzen.

Angst fuhr ihn schneller, vorwärts, tiefer in die Nacht. Auf der anderen Seite des Sees gab es Poster von Licht, aber sie schienen Meilen weg zu sein. Nichts zu seiner Rechten, aber der Weite des gefrorenen Sees, und nach links, der schattenhaften Umriss eines Aufdecks von Land – ein weiteres Ufer oder eine Insel vielleicht, viel näher als das ferne Ufer, aber ohne Lebenszeichen. Nur eine Reihe von hohen Bäumen hinter einem felsigen Strand.

Wo war jetzt die Kreatur? Tabs fragten sich. Hatte es sich von unter den Kisten in der Hütte herausgezogen? War es jetzt in der Verfolgung nach ihm und jagte ihn mit längeren Hundebeinen auf den See? Tabs konnten sich nicht zum Aussehen bringen.

Seine Lunge begannen zu brennen, und er erkannte, dass sein Tempo verlangsamte. Die Lichter am fernen Ufer des Lake winkte ihn. Tabs wussten, dass es dort Schutz gab, Menschen, aber es gab keinen Weg, den er den ganzen Weg über den See rennen könnte. Es war zu weit.

Er scannte das nähere Ufer wieder nach links, um Hilfe oder Gefahr zu sehen. Ins dann heulte der Werwolf hinter ihm.

Es war knapp! Registerkarten schaudert und